Well hello, fashionable humans, and happy Tuesday!
Instagram was being a jerk over the weekend (banned me from using hashtags or mentions for 24h), so this post is a day late because I was forced to chill a little. Also, as I was writing the previous sentence, I realized that my reasoning makes no sense; I should have posted on the blog as scheduled yesterday but shared pics on Instagram today. Whatever.
This post is fairly personal, as I will be talking about friendships (while rocking a cute Ankara skirt!) I am not referring to the flimsy variety that fades after college, or that only comes together to party; I mean the deep kind, that goes through multiple seasons of life, several boyfriends (Mom- if you are reading this, I am talking about the other girls, I swear), shitty jobs, graduations, marriages, babies, deaths, divorces and all of life’s curveballs. (Spouses count here too, by the way.)
Those are the girls (and guys) you can spend months without talking to, but that will love you just the same when you finally call again. They are the ones that will fly across the world and couch surf to see you graduate or get married. They are the ones that will hug you through panic attacks and whisper kind words in your ear. They are the ones who will bare their soul to you because they deem you worthy. They are the ones who will always speak the truth because they want you to reach the best version of yourself. They are the real deal.
What I am wearing: Ankara skirt set from Skirtsy Box, with matching headwrap, earrings, necklace (not pictured) and detachable peplum (not pictured); Here. Bralette, Missguided; here. Crop top, Amazon (featured in previous posts here and here.) Shoes: Guess platform pumps, old; similar here
I am an only child. That said, I have been blessed with several of those kinds of friendships. Many passed the test of time, but it took work. I stumbled often, and I am not always the greatest pal. To be honest, I am rarely available at all. The notes below are inspired by times I have messed up, or are by things I am actively working on. Because the people I love deserve it.
Be there for them, even (and especially) when they screw up.
Was there a time in your life when you thought you knew everything? Because I can assure you I went through a phase when I was judgemental as fuck. Imagine: I had good grades, scholarships, stayed out of trouble and was THAT kid all the cousins were compared to at family dinners. For years, I developed and polished that image of “The Studious Girl”. However, a side effect was that I started feeling WAY too cool. I did NOT comprehend anyone who did not stay on the straight and narrow, because that’s all I knew. I unfortunately carried remnants of that persona to college and I was quick to cut off anyone that did not fit my idea of a model student. I was hard to talk to because I was quick to blame people for their failures instead of just being there for them. Luckily, all my friends kicked ass in school too; if they hadn’t, my uppity self would have likely driven them all away.
Be sensitive to their circumstances and understand their priorities.
That one is so important. Lots of relationships and friendships end because one party is unable to deal with the fact that time inevitably brings change. If a friend matters to you enough, you have to understand that they will sometimes have to put you on the back burner because their life has taken a new turn, and that’s okay! I became an aunt in college (one of my best friends had a baby, who is now the coolest, smartest and most inquisitive little lady on the planet). Get this: around the time the baby was 1, I actually fixed my mouth to tell a common friend of ours that my friend (the new mom) was now boring because she no longer cared to hear about MY life, and only she wanted to talk about her baby… (Yes, I am swallowing a huge slice of humble pie as I type this. )
True, I was a kid, but I was so clueless! My insensitive words eventually made their way back to my friend, who iced me out for two years without even giving me an explanation. While that was also childish (she will be reading this so I have to roast her a little), my selfishness and insensitivity were definitely to blame for our rift. I am glad we were able to mend our relationship (we argued over FB messenger for 3 days straight before being okay again), but I missed a good chunk of my niece’s life because of it. I DID learn not to be an asshole in the process, though.
I am not a great listener outside of work. When I am working, all my senses are engaged, I am insanely focused and I take nothing for granted. In life though, I become a walking bag of heuristics- like most people I suppose. I always assume that the same causes have the same effects, which, while logical, is still erroneous. Those assumptions cause me to sometimes half listen to people when they complain about something I ,for some reason, assume is unimportant. I mean- sure, we all have that drama queen friend always going through something or that other pal who won’t leave fuckboys alone. Those people can’t be helped.
However, we need to be careful not to dismiss other issues that could be real, just because we have somehow decided they aren’t. A good friend listens and helps you vent or strategize; she may also tell you to STFU and drop Johnny the douche, but at least she will pay attention to your words before reading you to filth.
Always be happy for their success.
Kind of a continuation of the first paragraph; life brings different seasons, and things change. Maybe you used to have the best career and are now struggling, while your friend is now rising up the corporate ladder. Maybe your buddy is going back to school, causing them to be less available to hang out. Those situations can bring about strange feelings, causing us to feel sorry for ourselves and focus on our misery- while ignoring our friend’s achievements. While I am all for the healthy motivation brought about by witnessing someone else’s success, we should still be our friends’ biggest fans. We should be super excited for their achievements and we should celebrate the shit out of them. This blog would have never seen the light of day, had it not been for the unwavering support of 2 of my friends who push me super hard every day. They cheer me on every step of the way, hype up all my pics on the ‘gram and even stay sending me screenshots of outfit inspirations. I feel incredibly grateful to have them.
Understand their goals, then push them to achieve them.
This one goes hand in hand with the point above. Before celebration comes preparation; as a good friend, you should understand who the people in your circle are, their hopes and dreams, as well as their fears. You should be the one reminding them to watch that webinar, apply to that program or seek that grant. You should be the one to nag them when they are falling short of what they can achieve and should push them to get back in the race. You should be interested in how they are planning on reaching their goals, so you may help as needed or offer your opinion. I feel like this last one applies to spouses even more because they are supposed to be a team that encourages each other.
That’s a long ass post, but it is meant to be because it is reserved for the select few who have earned your trust. We likely all treat our closest friends with love and respect, but this serves as a reminder to also be invested in their lives.
On to the outfit!!!
This is the cutest skirt ever. I had it custom made by Skirtsy Box, because I am 5’11 and have a 36″ inseam; it required 4 yards of fabric, I believe. The owner, Derrica, was a pleasure to work with.
- The skirt: Super fun, love the fabric, very airy. Perfect craftmanship. My only quibble: the pockets are very hard to find- I have to look through pleats every time.
- The bralette: Cute, but does not offer much support at all.
- The crop top: discussed it in this post. Love it!
- The shoes: basic, similar ones linked above
Dassit for today, I will see you on Friday!
Also- tell me below how you support your friends, or maybe about a time you realized you needed to do better as a pal.
As always, thank you for stopping by.